Filed under: Rant/Thought Blogs | Tags: Barack Obama, cat makeup, cats, chihuahuas, gaydar, halloween, hamburger, john mccain, losers, meat, misc., Myspace, Paris Hilton, President, president elect, Sarah Palin, second life, sufjan stevens, vegetarians
i just woke up. when i first wake up, i tend to stumble towards the computer. because at that moment, i have no appetite yet. i don’t usually have to piss until an hour or so after i’ve woken up. unlike most people that need to go right away. i no longer smoke (it’s been over a year) so i have no habitual need to light up a cigarette and i don’t drink caffeine so i also have no need to fix/grab that cup of coffee…so my feet drag me to the computer to check my email, my myspace, my youtube & now my wordpress accounts.
today’s or tonight’s blog, i guess you could say (my waking up was from a nap…not a complete night’s sleep) is one that i’ve done on myspace before but this isn’t myspace so i’m going to do it here…and the theme: what’s pissing you off? or since i begin…what’s pissing me off? it’s generally stuff of very little consequence…just everyday annoyances…the minor shit that gets to me when i really shouldn’t allow it to. the trivial. though, if it’s enough to really get to me…how trivial can it be? no…no, it’s still trivial. here’s the list. i welcome you all to submit what’s bothering you…be it a coworker, a family member, a boyfriend, something in the news or whatever you need to vent about. i may not have any advice to give you regarding it but i’ve found (from comments given) that it’s a great release. and we all need to let that bottled up shit sizzle out.
1. Fake Vegetarians. Now, i’m not going to say that there aren’t real vegetarians out there. of course there are. i’m talking about those little teenagers that claim to be vegetarians simply to fit in with the crowd. and that also doesn’t mean that there aren’t teenage vegetarians…i just…i don’t know…you can just tell which ones aren’t and which ones are. like gaydar…it’s meatdar. you can tell who really eats it and who really doesn’t. if your closet smells like a hamburger in the middle of the night…come out of the closet (?) with pride…ketchup smeared around your lips…pickle string that needs to be flossed…and those little bits of meat that you’ll be picking out of your back teeth for days. it’s ok to eat meat. just as it’s ok not to.
2. Cat Makeup.
for all of you girls out there that did this during halloween…shame on you. also, i have no idea who the chick in this picture is. i just grabbed it off of flickr.com. if it’s you and you want it down, contact me. i’d be embarrassed about having it up as well. it’s like all of the girls that dress up as a nurse or maid or some stupid fairy…when you see that your friend (and all of her sorority sisters) is going as the exact same thing…that may be a sign to change your costume and harm yourself (just slightly, though) for coming up with such a stupid idea.
3. Sore Losers. for those of you that voted mccain/palin. i’m sure you know by now that your candidate lost. unless you created characters with their likenesses on “second life” and are currently running your own little society with mr. & mrs. maverick behind a kingdom of diamond encrusted pillars ruling all. for those of you in the “real” world…get over it. barack obama will officially become our president (for those of you that are in the united states that read this) in january and you know what? we have to accept it. so far (even though it’s only been a couple of days) he hasn’t disappointed me. but then again he hasn’t done much yet. that the public is aware of anyway. when/if he warrants shit talking, finger pointing and/or tacky novelty shirts to be made and worn of him…well, i will gladly oblige to do so. until then… he is your president elect and deserves your respect. he’s not bush…from what i can tell, he really does plan on doing things for us. not against us.
4. Chicks With Chihuahuas. does this one really need an explanation? i mean, yeah…i guess they’re cute dogs but c’mon. you look fucking stupid walking the streets with one of them in tow.
i’m eager to hear what’s bothering all of you. if you disagree with something i’ve said…please tell me. it’s nice to hear from those that feel the same as i do…but it’s equally nice to hear from those that don’t. it’s a melting pot of a world (not just of ethnicities but of morals and opinions). vent away…
i leave you with a little sufjan…
Filed under: Rant/Thought Blogs | Tags: afghanistan, america's most wanted, amy winehouse, andre 3000, Anxiety, Asians, autism, BBC, big boi, brass knuckles, brian williams, casper, Christina Ricci, corey haim, dave grohl, Devin Pugliano, erections, fall out boy, foo fighters, gay, george harrison, giovanni ribisi, hannah montana, heaven, Ice-T, iraq, james franco, jeffrey dahmer, kat von d, kevin smith, kurt cobain, mangina, martin freeman, meat, michael bay, micro machines, miley cyrus, mohawks, MTV, Myspace, nirvana, ouija, outkast, ozzy osbourne, parker brothers, peta, plain white t's, playstation, poetry, proactiv, queens of the stone age, Religion, ricky gervais, rob zombie, selena gomez, soulja boy, stretch armstrong, t.s. eliot, The Beatles, The Office, tila tequila, tommy lee, vegetarian, world of warcraft, wow, zack & miri make a porno
deciding what i would do for a “klondike bar” is the least of my worries right now.
don’t mourn the fallen soldier.
mourn the oil they were unable to return home with.
not all banjo players look like that.
“wolfman’s got nards.”
whatever happened to “stretch armstrong?”
it should’ve been dave grohl.
not kurt.
we wouldn’t have to put up with the predictable “foo fighters.”
though, we’d lose out on some insane percussion…
e.g. “songs for the deaf.”
michael bay has far too few defensive wounds.
hey, ms. proactiv…who’s the fucking stalker now?
i never lift the seat.
just wipe up when i’m through.
kevin smith is easily one of the worst directors of all time.
but the dude sure can write genius dialogue.
why register to vote when you don’t want either candidate to win?
“soylent green” was people.
“going green” is feeble.
the damage has already been done.
it’s like apologizing after murder.
i’m a walking “spoiler alert.”
flat chested girls require that much more personality.
none of my proceeds will ever go to charity.
i swallow.
my two biggest pet peeves:
1. employees at jobs saying, “sorry about that” after they’ve fucked something up.
2. when teenagers say, “i’m more mature than most people my age.” lol you’re not…so shut your cocksucker.
one of her nieces looks like an elephant.
“world of warcraft” is for faggots.
all pussies taste and smell the same (unless they are in need of a douche).
you are essentially just fucking them based on their face.
“these are just a few of my favorite things.”
when are we getting the whole list?
posters of corey haim used to hang on bedroom walls.
i’ve never once stuffed my bra.
two. to. too.
they’re. their. there.
learn. proper. english. you. fools.
“if it’s not made by micro machines, it’s not the real thing.”
well, fuck…
i claim to dislike reality television shows.
but i sure do watch the fuck out of them.
zoos are no fun.
unless you break every rule that the signs say not to.
i wonder if skee-lo ever had his dream of being a “baller” realized.
would anyone even miss amy winehouse?
really, you give a crackwhore a record deal.
that’s about as intelligent as inviting an aids patient to a party at the playboy mansion.
i shart quite often, actually.
i’ve yet to really get down the warning signs.
you’ll most likely regret all of those stupid tattoos.
i’m currently holding pocket aces.
naw, i’m just bluffing.
or am i?
my poetry makes sense to me.
in the end…that’s all that matters.
my credit is so far gone that i now get off on seeing just how much worse i can make it.
i get erections at the most inconvenient times.
and can rarely hold one when i really need to.
eating “bomb pops” is about as patriotic as i get.
“plain white t’s” & “fall out boy” are fucking horrible.
there, i’ve said it.
the casualties in iraq & afghanistan…
better them than me.
i have “america’s most wanted’s” phone number in my cell.
just in case i recognize that tattoo.
george harrison was my favorite (and most talented) “beatle.”
size only matters if you give a shit what she thinks.
“gay” still means happy.
this one time at fat camp…
i shoved a cheeseburger in my pussy.
as for tommy lee…
i refuse to be intimidated by anyone that was in or associated with “methods of mayhem” lol
i agree…
it’s a dish best served cold.
and this plate is beginning to freeze in my hands.
“Les liaisons dangereuses”
i’m convinced that rob zombie can’t do a single thing well.
once i cooked a pot pie without a slit in the top.
it was the day i stopped being a boy…and became a man…ish.
“Ouija” boards are sold by “Parker Brothers”
what other convincing do you need?
is there a difference between “why” & “how come?”
ice-t was right: soulja boy can eat a dick.
for all you people that put “Niger” as your country on here to make yourselves look cool…the word you’re looking for is, “nigger.” this just, once again, shows your ignorance. it makes you look like a fool and i’d love to see you people say that out in public. see how cool you look then.
same goes for, “Oman,” “Yeman” & “Togo.”
i jerked off in the theater to “Casper” when i was 13.
christina had just started getting boobs.
it was a good day.
mohawks don’t make you look cool.
i look down on asians…
but thank them for “playstation.”
i’m the only member of my immediate and extended family that doesn’t currently wear or need glasses.
i only wash my hands after i shit.
i eat meat.
i’m a sore loser.
and winner for that matter.
why are there brass knuckles all over the fucking place on this site?
this too makes you look like a moron when you have a picture of them as your layout.
or wearing a necklace made of one.
i guarantee that 90% of the people that have layouts like that don’t even fucking own a pair of brass knuckles.
kat von d is cool?
how, exactly?
i’m sure you probably couldn’t even tell me.
even though i love the u.s. version,
the original bbc series, “the office” is far superior…
gervais & merchant were able to capture in 12 episodes & 1 xmas special what the u.s. version has taken 5 seasons (going on its 5th) to accomplish: a masterpiece in the medium of television.
just more proof that atheists (ricky gervais in this case) are geniuses…
jason has not pointed at a stereo in 3 days.
give him his token for this week.
i have a remarkably low amount of feelings.
but i hide it well.
i’m attracted to selena gomez
and i’m not afraid to admit it.
if i were gay, i would sit and spin with three:
james franco, giovanni ribisi & martin freeman.
sometimes when i’m fresh out of the shower…
i will give myself a “mangina”
just because…
i’ll never try to hide the fact that i’m a pervert.
if milk “does a body good.”
why are cows so fucking fat?
i’ll let someone else be the “hero.”
i’m content with being a lazy, selfish prick.
i don’t watch MTV.
therefore, i’m better than you.
i don’t sit on a toilet seat when i shit.
i’ve never had a finger up my ass.
but what harm could it do, really?
my daughters have the same ridiculously long toes and fingers.
sorry, girls…
i don’t have tila tequila on my friends list.
i laugh at the fact that you do.
she’s a talentless asian chick that shows her tits for cash.
you can find just as much “talent” on a balcony in mardi gras.
i only recently learned how to fix scrambled eggs.
seriously.
andré 3000 is a genius.
big boi…is just a mediocre sidekick at best.
greg oden.
this coming season.
finally.
i’d put money on miley cyrus being transgendered.
just listen to her voice.
it’s deeper than mine.
i’m slightly attracted to brian williams.
open a book sometime, you fucking zero.
you can act like you’re more intelligent than me when you finally do.
“angel soft” toilet paper is anything but.
i only wash clothes in cold water.
it’s my life.
so the world actually does revolve around me.
if there were such a place as the fictionalized, “heaven.”
do you really think small, teenie tiny, copper objects like pennies would really be able to make it down here at such a speed and distance without being distorted in some way?
alas, there are no “pennies from heaven.”
i’m just now beginning to feel the effects of all that glue i ate in elementary school.
ozzy osbourne is to “prince of darkness”
as jeffrey dahmer is to vegetarian.
in my opinion it’s only illegal if you “finish.”
“Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity.” – t.s. eliot
i’ve had better.
“soap on a rope” does not guarantee your safety.
i really need to stop dropping toothpicks around autistic people.
but…i…just…can’t
Filed under: Rant/Thought Blogs | Tags: Christian, Des Moines, Religion, kid rock, Iowa, war, god, jail, relationships, rowlf, amish, lisa bonet, graffiti, jay leno, home alone, home alone 2, selena gomez, jonas brothers, hannah montana, korea, mormons, disco, maid in manhattan, maynard james keenan, tool, a perfect circle, puscifer, gauge, ariah, ashlynn brooke, pornstars, oregon trail, 2pac, hip-hop, radiohead, taxes, reese's, eminem, marilyn manson, elvis, john wayne, holocaust, GAP, steelers, ohio state, marlins, trailblazers, greg oden, maury, john edward, sylvia browne, pubes, joseph arthur, divine, hairspray, john travolta, leonardo dicaprio, java joes
i smoked a cigarette with leonardo dicaprio at “java joes” in des moines.
avoid the “hairspray” remake.
divine was where it was at.
travolta could never fill his/her shoes.
i’ve jerked off to pictures of a few people on my friends list.
if i learn that a band (or artist) is actually a christian group, i tend to stop listening to them.
with the exception of joseph arthur.
if you don’t like black & white movies…
you shouldn’t be watching films in the first place.
if it weren’t for my outlet of writing…
i’d probably be a serial killer.
i have many of the symptoms.
i haven’t shaved my pubes in months.
tarzan couldn’t make it through that jungle.
john edward & sylvia browne are full of shit.
quit being so gullible, children.
according to “maury”…
the dna results show that i’m not her mother.
i often find myself having sex dreams about my enemies.
and i never pull out.
pussies tend to look like roast beef sandwiches turned vertical.
steelers.
ohio state.
marlins.
trailblazers.
it takes a poet to love a poet.
next time you’re in bed with your partner
and he’s (or you’re) pump, pumping away…
think of me.
you’ll probably laugh.
and then he/she’ll ask what the deal is…
but you’ll be too embarrassed to tell him/her that you were thinking of someone else.
but you won’t be able to get me out of your head.
and they’ll be left wondering why you laughed…
oh, it will bug the shit out of them to no end.
just do it…
think of me…
this is my gift for you.
let me know how it turns out.
the GAP is a joke.
kid rock has recently stated that he is ok with people illegally downloading his music.
my question to him is, who the fuck would want to download his music?
i love strolling the movie forums on here…
seeing people post comments such as “i saw _____ (such and such movie), but i’m not sure if i liked it.”
while they wait for others to reply with their opinions on said film so then they can jump on the majority bandwagon.
“well, yeah, i guess i liked it.” or…
“you’re right…it was a piece of shit once i really think about it.”
if it hadn’t of been for the holocaust…
imagine how many more myspace profiles there would be today.
elvis was horrible.
as was john wayne.
this doesn’t make me “anti-american.”
it makes me “pro-talent.”
eminem is the black marilyn manson.
there’s nothing hotter (in my book) than a big boobed brunette in a wife beater.
i wonder how many profiles here on myspace belong to people that are dead now.
“last login”
that’s for damn sure.
i’m a thigh/ass man.
just kidding…i love boobies.
and asses…
fuck it…whatever.
“make love not war.”
why?
so we can breed more terrorists…more soldiers?
sex is war
how much does a tusk sell for exactly?
i often panty raid.
suicide is far from weakness.
i prefer cats over dogs.
instead of “show me your tits”
how about we try, “show me your silverware”
mmm shiny, smooth spoons…
oh yeah…
lick the end…yeah, just the end…
are those plastic or real?
i’ve had male tongues in my mouth before.
painting my nails calms me.
what moment is more powerful?
the first time you hold hands with that “someone”
or the first time they turn and say, “fuck you”
you don’t know where i’ve been.
be patient…
she’ll be legal soon.
i’ve never learned how to swim.
nor do i know how to blow my nose.
i just pick.
check beneath your tables.
reese’s peanut butter cups taste best frozen.
why is ink always low?
i don’t listen.
i just wait for my turn to talk.
i’ve seen nude pics of most of my female friends (offline & online)…
and only three shouldn’t be embarrassed about how they look.
out of respect to them (i’m sure they won’t want their inboxes exploding) i’ll limit their names to: a, s & n
i don’t pay taxes.
my 3 favorite radiohead songs?
1. how to disappear completely
2. idioteque
3. nude
hip-hop didn’t die with 2pac…
but it definitely put it in ICU.
i never once made it cross country while playing “oregon trail.”
i either drowned or was struck by arrows.
i’m legitimately still bothered by that today.
my 3 favorite pornstars?
1. gauge
2. ariah
3. ashlynn brooke
i was never bullied in school.
but i was often pushed down, ridiculed and had things stolen from me.
maynard james keenan’s intelligence is superficial.
i wish i had learned this whilst still a teenager.
and “puscifer” only proves that he is nothing without his “tool” & “a perfect circle” backing (could be the wrong word) musicians.
i liked “maid in manhattan.”
there is still a warrant out for my arrest in NYC for that very reason.
i used to sniff pixy sticks in high school.
i thought it was cool to do.
i know…i know…
…it was.
disco is not dead.
aaron lewis is a fucking crybaby.
get on a diet, brother…
and seek some therapy.
sadly, pathetic zeroes still flock to your broken record.
ah…if you only knew the weather up here.
mormons… lol
jason once said that there are alot of koreans in korea.
deep.
to this day i can still quote both “home alone” & “home alone 2″
and i’m not ashamed of this fact.
the notorious b.i.g. was overrated.
leno’s comedy is tired.
i wonder if anyone has ever actually done “the sprain” while out in a nightclub.
graffiti would be more intimidating if i could understand it.
i want to bring back cassette players.
it’s been ages since i’ve taken a tape out and switched sides.
what sucked was that all the best songs were usually on side b.
lisa bonet would dominate me.
and i’m ok with that.
for kicks…
amish kids plug in toasters & microwaves…
“rowlf” was my favorite muppet baby
“just not in my hair.”
in jail a few years back…
my bond jumped from $7,000 to $20,000…
based solely on some writings i had done.
i am still proud of that to this day.
it’s interesting how everyone is immediately “bad in bed” once the relationship is over…
usually followed by, “bitch was a slut”
or the ever popular, “you’re bigger than he was.”
“war” returns more hits on google than “god”
Filed under: Rant/Thought Blogs | Tags: Boobs, Christina Ricci, Curvy Girls, Devin Pugliano, Gobbler, Myspace, Penelope, Religion, suicide, Virginity
i realize after watching “penelope,” that even with a pig nose, christina ricci is still the most gorgeous woman (creature) i’ve ever laid eyes on… 18 years obsessed and a snout doesn’t even turn me off.
my oldest daughter will most likely have big boobs but no ass.
whereas my youngest will have the ass and no boobs…
ah, the teenage years for both of them…
why does this matter?
it doesn’t.
both, though…will have to deal with the toes i have given them…
sandal shopping will most certainly suck.
i want to taste human flesh.
i prefer warm soda.
or pop.
however you say it.
i more often than not choose the wrong adjective…
only to regret it later.
i have taken a virginity.
“sexually anorexic.”
mine only cost a punchline, though, apparently.
i’ve been told that one of my friends has a “gobbler”
this has sent uncomfortable chills up my spine…
and has made me expel the word, “gross.”
and i must say i haven’t used that word much lately…
few things get to me…
i like to dive when catching a frisbee…
even if it’s not necessary.
i haven’t had sex in months.
she’s starting to get irritated.
i’m just not into it anymore.
10 years ago, i’d stick it in an outlet if i could…
now… it’s just not that big of a deal.
i prefer guys that sing like chicks…
i prefer curvy girls…
sticks aren’t fun in bed…
i don’t want to be able to floss with my partner…
though, as i just said…i’m on the “outs” with sex…
so, i guess it doesn’t matter…
just…girls under 125 – 130 are kind of nasty looking (with a couple of exceptions)…
realize that while you are in my blog that all of my “opinions” are actually facts.
in a neutral zone…you can call them whatever you want.
if you plan on killing yourself…
just do it…
stop wasting our time.
mindset evolution.
zealous calamity.
groove pollution.
all suck.
realize this, children.
i’m sexually attracted to ledger’s joker.
yet i’m not gay… how odd.
cue ron’s “not gay?! lmao!
Filed under: Rant/Thought Blogs | Tags: Myspace, Devin Pugliano, Pegging, Skin, Blue, Poverty, Edward Hopper, Ricin, London, Tetherball
i trail off a lot.
i shake when i’m nervous.
head twitches… unsteady hands…
my overbearing comedic side is a mask…
otherwise i’d completely breakdown.
my words are slightly more toned down than my thoughts.
i’m passive aggressive.
i like tetherball.
i’m more intelligent than most people i know.
unfortunately, in spoken word…
it rarely comes across.
i’m not part of this machine.
i’m an orphaned cog.
my hand goes numb after holding a phone for too long.
bad circulation, perhaps.
wrapping presents is overrated…
is there no thrill in pulling open handles and looking inside of the bag?
do we really have to waste time & money taping and cutting just so you can tear into it?
are you that devoid of entertainment?
do you think a monkey would complain if the bananas came pre-peeled?
i’m not afraid of heights…
only of the journey up.
hawaii, bahamas, etc.
they don’t entice me…
beneath a foggy, dreary london evening sky…
is where i’d love to rest my head
ricin
i’m always in edward hopper’s backgrounds.
casting an umbilical line…
reaching out…
contracting…
do only that which you are born to do.
if you have to be poor for a time in order to obtain it…so be it…
poverty is in the eye of the beholder.
“going out to the bars tonight”
vacuous little girls.
vacuous little boys.
leading vacuous little lives.
on ice…
the touch of burnt skin.
“blue” is always the best flavor in the package.
pegging. pegging. pegging the inner child.
Filed under: Rant/Thought Blogs | Tags: Panic! At the Disco, Morrissey, Rage Against The Machine, The Beatles, Blood, Pisces, Orbit Gum, Major Dad, Warrant, Glory Hole, Joker, The Dark Knight, John Goodman, Roseanne, Matricide, Captcha, Ice-T, Harpo Marx, Groucho Marx, Chico Marx, Marxist
i bite my nails when i’m nervous.
which is why i don’t paint them as much nowadays.
i’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
with the tip of an index finger gripped firmly between my teeth.
ripping. tearing. an outlet.
i think thongs are disgusting.
and am turned off whenever i see a woman wearing one.
it’s an immediate, “uh…nope” for me.
i’m a Marxist.
harpo, groucho & chico.
i sing ice-t under my breath while digging through a box of crayons…
“i am a nightmare walking, psycopath talking…”
whomever created the “captcha” should be hung high.
i have so much time on my hands that i should probably volunteer somewhere…
but i won’t…
fuck other people…
i am what i wanted to be when i grew up.
you’re attracted to assholes…
yet you complain when we act as such.
matricide
i still try to fit into the same old jeans that have long since become enemies of my waist.
morrissey sucks
she’s just mad because someone’s pointing out that he looks like an ugly john goodman.
joker doesn’t die at the end of “the dark knight.”
they always say, “illegal street drugs.”
i wonder…is there a legal street drug?
i’ll admit…
if i knew there was a glory hole in that stall…
i’d be curious…
i still think warrant’s “uncle tom’s cabin” is a badass song.
how exactly does one “party like it’s 1999?”
1999 was pretty mellow for me.
and if i were to party as such…
i would require tea…a nap…and an episode or two of “major dad.”
tonight i bought my first pack of “orbit.”
spearmint.
i never chew gum but man…this shit… ist gut.
i wish to have normal thoughts one day.
i’m not unique.
i’m the batter of this society.
i’m the egg.
you’re the flour.
together, we rot this world’s teeth.
that’s a metaphor by the way…
i’m not really an egg.
i only had one friend as a child.
people made fun of my lips.
the stripes on my shirt.
i can’t remember not having hair on my balls.
prepubescent.
failed recall.
there are girls everywhere.
but very few women.
there are boys everywhere…
i’ve yet to see a man.
there’s no cure for a pisces.
i can’t tell time on a “regular” clock.
never learned how.
correction…i was taught…
it just didn’t register.
i’ve pissed blood more times than i can count.
you’ll abandon your favorite song as soon as it becomes “old.”
“i never really liked it…”
yes, you did.
stop trying to lie.
i need a dust buster whenever i open gifts from natalie.
putting an exclamation mark in your band’s name makes you look stupid.
imagine: The Beatles!
imagine: Echo! And the Bunnymen
imagine: Pan! Tera!
imagine: Rage! Against the Machine
also, rage against the machine actually sucks.
just slightly less than morrissey.
without rungs…
a ladder is just stilts.
Filed under: Rant/Thought Blogs | Tags: Abigail Breslin, Adult, Atheist, Baseball, Bomb, Bra, CFC, Dakota Fanning, Family Matters, Forensics, gavin rossdale, Google, Little Miss Sunshine, Murder, P.M. Dawn, Porn, Rambo, Rocky, school, Sex, Sin, Tetris
sometimes i would lead them on just so they would make me a mixtape.
sometimes late at night, the “tetris” theme still haunts me.
my friends call me “devin.” it’s an inside thing.
whatever happened to p.m. dawn?
i was never afraid of monsters in the closet.
but i nearly lost an eye after my first orgasm.
sadly…i’ve never been the one to break a piñata.
that really fucks with a person’s self esteem.
don’t cover up your flaws.
i’ve only been to one “adult” store.
moments after entering i picked up a box that read, “granny porn.”
just out of curiousity.
i’m weird like that.
i turned it over.
nodded.
sat it back down and walked right out the front door and waited for my friends in the car.
to this day i… i still can’t… wow… i can’t breathe.
moving on…
i’m not sure how i feel about the word, “plural.”
i enjoy fucking up ant hills.
it’s the malice in me.
i often think about banana seats.
even though i know it’s going to burn like hell…
i press my fingertips against my wounds.
the salt…the singe…
the masochistic sigh.
i used to think girls peed out of their butts.
i can make a yo-yo come back up.
and that’s about it.
rambo would kick rocky’s ass.
flaming, explosive arrows own rabbit punches.
my whole name… 7 syllables
i’ve had sex with someone on my myspace top friends…
he … i mean, she and i are still friends…
amazing…it actually happens from time to time
though, i would like to take a baseball bat and some hedge clippers to 3 of my 7
dakota fanning is talented.
abigail breslin is not.
“little miss sunshine” … although a great film… it was her fluke.
i like to go over to people’s houses and quickly google terms like, “how to get away with murder” or “untraceable poisons” or “how to build a bomb.”
you never know when their computer will get confiscated.
oh, imagine the look on their faces when the results from the computer forensics were to come in, huh?
fucked up? sure… but loads of fun.
i can’t take a bra off with one hand.
atheists don’t sin.
i’m secretly a huge “family matters” fan.
i can’t drive a stick shift.
i contain no CFCs
a computer mouse without one of those roller things…
is just cruel…
back in school…
none of my teachers ever hit on me.
motherfuckers…
i don’t know sign language…
but i do know how to quickly contort my fingers…
i’m sure i’m saying something…
gavin rossdale sucks without his bush…
wait a second…no…no, i guess that came out right.
Filed under: Rant/Thought Blogs | Tags: Ben & Jerry's, Caffeine, Canada, Capitol Critters, Captain Planet, Cartoon, Catherine Bell, Cindy Crawford, Cliff Huxtable, Crystal Pepsi, Danzig, Devin Pugliano, G.G. Allin, G.I. Joe, George Lucas, Ghosts, He-Man, I Love Lucy, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Jenna Fischer, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Kickball, Masculinity, Michigan, Missouri, Myspace, pedophile, Piercings, Sonny Chiba, Sperm, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Wizard Of Oz, TMNT, Transformers, Vanity Fair
i wish the sky was the color of bruises
i suppose during some sunsets, it can be…
i can’t ever see myself setting foot in japan.
there was no midget hanging herself/himself in “the wizard of oz.”
it was a bird…
you have to be a complete moron to not see it…
track 6 is usually the best song on any given album.
or at least it was in the nineties, anyway…
after “danzig IV” glenn kind of lost it…
it was a good ride though, brother.
facial piercings are retarded…
more than one warrants a night in the stocks…
i’ve never masturbated with lotion…
i prefer to stay seated during “the national anthem”…
“the secret of the ooze” was my favorite “turtles” movie.
sonny chiba’s a bad motherfucker.
see: gekitotsu! satsujin ken
i’ve only been to illinois, iowa, michigan, missouri, indiana & canada
i’ve never dropped it like it was hot.
but apparently it’s all the rave…
i can never get enough, “i love lucy”
i’m sexually inactive, doc.
g.g. allin existed for one reason and one reason only…
and of course he took that reason with him when he died…
that’s so g.g.
if my children ever get me a “world’s greatest dad” tie, mug or hat…
i will disown the shit out of them…
disrespecting cliff huxtable like that doesn’t fly with me.
i’ve never slept in the nude.
you could probably kick my ass in “othello”…
but i’d still come back for more.
bitch.
i’ve tasted my own sperm.
on accident.
i swear.
i hate all of your voicemail messages.
i don’t want to leave a detailed message.
nor the time that i called.
i don’t want to push “pound” to leave a callback number.
jennifer love hewitt & jenna fischer are the hottest ladies on television today…
it was catherine bell but she kind of just disappeared…
although, i call it “tied to a pole in my basement forced to watch me jack off into a glove with the fingers cut off while i sing the mantra, ‘you never loved me!’ in falsetto.”
but as far as everyone else is concerned…
she’s still out there…just taking small parts…
staying under the radar.
“half baked” is my favorite (and only one that i’ll eat) flavor of “ben & jerry’s”
i highly doubt sally still sells seashells by the seashore.
i’m slowly starting to forget how to write in cursive.
the first time i jerked off was to a black & white picture of cindy crawford with a snake around her neck.
i’m sure you could find it online.
it was from an issue of “vanity fair.”
my first conquest…
even though i no longer drink caffeine…
i’d relapse for a nice, cold bottle of “crystal pepsi.”
does anyone else remember, “capitol critters?”
there was a time when she would tell me…
over and over again that she loved me…
and now i’m the enemy…
how very fickle…
there are ghosts of stupidity haunting me.
i’d end my life…
but i’m waiting to see if they are ever going to make episodes VII, VIII & IX
probably not…
but you never can be sure…
in elementary school…
i used to stand up, go to the front of the room…
and sharpen my pencil during a test…
just to annoy the other students with the grinding.
it’s safe to say i was never picked first for kickball.
though, that could also be because i sucked at kickball.
i was a “g.i. joe” kid…
never dug “transformers”
“he-man” would make me cry myself to sleep…
his nipples radiated with well drawn masculinity…
and to this day i pine over the fact that my arms will never be as big as a cartoon’s.
and “captain planet?”
well…”captain planet” was a pedophile…
sure, i like ‘em young…
just not that young.
